For New Year's Eve, I saw the band Joyce Manor at Thalia Hall in Chicago. When we arrived, I learned my ticket came with a free glass of champagne. Even though I’d recently said I wouldn’t be attempting to drink again for many months due to my chronic illness issues, I drank the champagne.
Drinking the champagne was impulsive. But, surprisingly, nothing bad happened. Meaning, I didn’t throw up, get diarrhea or a migraine, or wake up with a hangover — all things that have happened after a single alcoholic drink in recent years. I felt so happy about my non-reaction to the drink that I mentioned it on Instagram, calling it a good omen for my health.
But something didn’t sit right with me about that claim in the days after. I had a nagging sensation that my “successful” glass of champagne wasn’t good.
So, I edited my IG caption to remove the comment and reflected on why I felt so happy about drinking that glass of champagne.
It wasn’t the flavor. The champagne tasted overly sweet and syrupy. It was a bit warm. I didn’t see the bottle it was poured from, but I’m guessing we’re talking bottom-shelf stuff.
It wasn’t a buzz that made me happy about the champagne, either. Surprisingly, I didn’t get one. I didn’t notice any effects of the alcohol whatsoever.
It was the feeling of normalcy that excited me about the champagne. The fact that I could fit in with the rest of the concert-goers and hold an alcoholic drink in my hand. The fact that I could cheers someone, clinking my glass with another person’s and taking a drink at midnight on New Year’s Eve.
In my wellness coach training, I learned identity plays a big role in lifestyle. People like to act in ways that align with who they think they are. Lifestyle changes that fit in with a person’s identity are more likely to stick. If a lifestyle change isn’t sticking, changing one’s identity to align with it can help.
That nagging feeling about the champagne led to an epiphany:
Even though I’ve barely drank alcohol over the past five years, I’ve still carried the identity of a “social drinker.” I’ve still viewed drinking alcohol as a fun and cool thing to do with friends. And so, not drinking has been an upsetting limitation on my identity. It’s felt unfair, like I’m not allowed to be who I am.
When I was able to drink champagne on New Years Eve, I felt happy, not because it tasted good, not because it gave me a buzz, but because I felt like I was being me. (Which, tbh, was kind of a gross-feeling realization to have.)
I figure I have two options:
Hold onto the “social drinker” identity, keep attempting to reintroduce alcohol into my life every six months, and keep getting upset when alcohol makes me sick like it repeatedly has for several years since I’ve become hypersensitive to it, or
Drop what has obviously become a burden of an identity and allow myself to be free and happy without attempting to drink alcohol again or hoping I’ll return to some mythical and outdated idea of my “normal” self.
The choice seems clear, and so, I’m done.
I’m not going to use the word “sober,” because I read up on it, and it’s really reserved for those in recovery from alcohol use disorder. I checked the criteria for AUD and I do not meet it. (Though, the fact that I felt a need to check speaks volumes and reinforces that I’m making a good choice).
So, hey! I’m a nondrinker. I’m a water-drinker. I’m a teetotaler.
But not a wowser.
When I looked for synonyms for “sober” that might apply to me, those words came up. While I happily claim the first three, wowser means someone who is “obtrusively puritanical” or “a person who is publicly critical of others and the pleasures they seek; a killjoy.”
Reading those definitions, I realized that, on a deep level, even though I’d more or less removed alcohol from my life years ago, I worried that if I gave up the identity of “ social drinker,” people would view me as a judgmental killjoy. And I have finally become mature and confident enough to know that if someone misjudges me in that way, it’s no loss to me. I’m happy with my new identity as a nondrinker, and I’ll be happy to walk away from anyone who expresses even the slightest judgment of it.