In March, I had an MRI with contrast, an attempt to discern why, since getting what seemed like a regular cold in February 2022, a layer of static has covered my vision, my hands and feet have felt tingly 24/7, and I've experienced bouts of the most debilitating fatigue of my life.
I felt very, very anxious about the MRI. I've had many MRIs before, because — fun fact — my first job after college was as a neurology research assistant and the researchers loved using me as a guinea pig. BUT, all of those were regular MRIs, not MRIs with contrast.
When you get an MRI with contrast, they inject a heavy metal-based dye into your bloodstream first. Because I likely have a disorder that can involve strong allergic-like reactions to various chemicals, I worried, What if I react to this substance I've never come in contact with before?
Spoiler: everything went okay.
But, for the first ten minutes or so after having the contrast injected, as I lay in the tiny tube in the center of the big beige machine, unsure of whether I was going to have a reaction or not, I felt my anxiety skyrocket. Instead of waiting for the panic attack to subside, I practiced the mindfulness and deep breathing techniques I've become so familiar with over the years.
I took slow, deep breaths into my pelvis and made my exhales longer than my inhales. I made a conscious effort to relax my jaw and shoulder muscles. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize people I love looking down at me, like a circle of guardian angels hovering above, telling me they love me and assuring me that everything would be okay.
Then, the strangest thing happened. Tears fell from my eyes as my panic transformed into a strong sense of relief. I'm not really a believer in, well, any religion or God, if I'm honest, but this felt like a spiritual experience. A wave of sensation moved over my body and it was a peak moment of such clarity and intensity that it's not easy to describe with words.
I felt as if I knew I would be okay, not only with the contrast dye in my body, but also in terms of my health struggles overall. As a result, I felt immensely grateful.
In the next moment, it was as if I could feel all the fear, worry, and uncertainty that any human had ever felt related to their body or health run through me. It felt clear that humans are animals, and like any animal, we fill with stark fear when faced with what we think might injure or kill us.
I felt awash with empathy, and also with a sense that providing assistance and comfort to people experiencing that primal fear was my calling. It felt obvious to me that many aspects of the traditional healthcare system trigger this fear in people instead of calming it.
Then it was as if I heard my own voice in my mind, saying, From this day on, my personal purpose is my own health. My professional purpose is other people's health.
"Purpose" is something I've struggled majorly with in life, as anyone who knows me well is likely aware of. It seems that everywhere I've gone, people have told me they can tell I'm going to do something great in the world, but here I am, year after year, not only not doing anything "great," but also often feeling generally uncertain and confused about how to spend my time, where to direct my energy, and what to focus on and try to accomplish during my short time on the planet.
I know now that much of this scatteredness is ADHD, but I always kind of hoped all of my explorations, experimentations, and dalliances would add up to something eventually. That I'd identify a purpose that would build on all the seemingly disconnected things I've done. Then, at age 42, I felt like I'd found it. My purpose.
But, I didn't exactly know what to do with it! I mean, help people with their health?! Pretty vague.
It's not as if I was going to jump out of the MRI machine to enroll in biochem courses and sign up to take the MCATs. I've long known being a doctor or even a nurse isn't for me. Those careers wouldn't suit my personality or my often sensitive and fatigued body, nor do I think I'd enjoy them.
I think conducting research would suit my interests and personality, and the original career I pursued in my 20s was that of a researcher. Sometimes I daydream about going back to earn a Ph.D. in something like community psychology or public health. But, then I remind myself that I dropped out of a Ph.D. program for a reason, and my most recent experience with grad school reiterated that the academic path doesn’t suit me as well as I wish it did. I also am in debt, have three higher ed degrees, and know I shouldn't pursue another degree at this time.
Yet continuing to work as a freelance health writer and nothing more didn't feel like it fulfilled my purpose. I believe the things I write and edit help people with their health, for sure. But this intense experience felt like a calling to make a change, to grow, to expand, to move forward, not to keep on doing exactly what I'd already been doing.
(Plus, practically speaking, I think AI is going to greatly change the world of content writing, and I'd rather not have all my eggs in the content basket, so to speak. But that’s a different topic for a different day.)
I decided that my next steps would have to both align with my new purpose of helping people with their health and fearful health-related feelings and build on what I've done in the recent past career-wise, meaning, they must in some way also use my MFA in creative writing and all I learned while attempting to launch an art business.
I know, I know, that sounds super disjointed! But I've read enough blog posts and listened to enough podcasts to know that other creative-minded, self-employed people have successfully carved out unique careers that combine seemingly disparate elements.
Finally, after weeks of letting it simmer, I came up with an idea that would allow me to do that as well. And I'm so excited!
I'm not going to spill the beans on everything just yet, since I'm trying to recover from my tendency to announce details of plans that may still change or not come to fruition. But I will say, one of my next steps is becoming a certified health and wellness coach.
I'm currently taking a graduate-level Mayo Clinic course to that end (Just one course! Not a whole degree!), and it's wonderful so far. For the first time in quite a while, I feel like, career-wise at least, I'm where I'm supposed to be.
I'll write more about this course and health and wellness coaching more generally in the coming weeks. I didn't know much about health and wellness coaching until about a year ago. To be honest, I'd kind of assumed it was an illegitimate career path until I learned more about it at that time, so I'm expecting to encounter many people with the same skepticism and want to practice what to say to them.
Similarly, throughout much of my life, I would've viewed a story like the one I told here about my spiritual experience in the MRI as a lie, an exaggeration, or at the least, something corny and worthy of being mocked. Which is to say, announcing these next career steps is requiring a bit of confidence and courage.
I've been viewing myself as my first coaching client in recent months, and this newsletter as my log of progress, of sorts. It's been so hard not to announce that here (I promised myself I wouldn't mention health coaching until my Mayo course was underway — by the time you read this, I'll be beginning week three).
Each week, I kept fearing this newsletter seemed really self-absorbed. But, I wrote it anyway, knowing I made the topic and style choices I did with intention, even if it felt uncomfortable to hit "send" on something all about me.
I’m still accepting that discomfort. As I move forward, my newsletter will likely rarely use "you," except in a very general sense. Yes, I’m stepping more firmly into the health and wellness industry, but I don't want to produce listicles of what you should be doing to add a few years to your lifespan or whatever. There is enough health and wellness advice being pumped into the world from unqualified sources as it is.
Even though I want to help people with their health, I still want to largely write about my own experiences, not advise people on what theirs should be. We're each on our own paths. A lot of the health and wellness content out there uses "you," has the second-person point of view baked into their style guides. Which is fine sometimes! Like, when the source is a literal expert, like Mayo Clinic. But dispensing expert advice isn't what I'm doing over here. Or what I plan to do moving forward. So, "I" it is.
I believe healing requires a person to put more attention on themselves for a while. So, I wanted to do so in these recent months without apology, without explanation, to demonstrate to myself and others that centering yourself, taking time for yourself, and changing your life because it benefits you (and maybe only you) is okay.
It's not selfish or self-absorbed to want to feel healthy and well, or to make life changes that help you feel healthy and well. It’s natural. &, I’m coming to believe, making those changes can actually feel creative and fun rather than forced.
🎨 I’m closing my Etsy shop on October 1st, and I’m doing a huge sale until then. While I may open the shop again someday, I’ll never have this particular merch for sale again. Everything is 75% off. Check it out!
What a terrific career idea! I think you’ll be great at it, and it’s very needed.